[BIPOLAR DISORDER] Uninvited guests, depression

 

Depression comes suddenly, like an uninvited guest. Not a very welcome guest.

The guest comes to me, strangles me and makes it impossible to breathe. I can't do anything because it keeps me from going anywhere.

My whole body lacks strength, my feet do not move according to my will, and all my senses turn toward darkness.

Even though death is so futile and I don't understand people who take their own lives, when depression comes to me, death is freedom, and it is wrapped up in something so sweet that it tempts me.

Why did depression suddenly come on these days? Was it because I wasn't taking psychiatric medications regularly?

These days, emotions have subsided and you start to spend impulsively and useless money. My work life is not going well.

Treating people was like an emotionless shell, and even when men confessed, everyone hated it.

The money ran out and the same worries filled my head again.

why the hell am i doing this

The ideal type in my head and the way I act in reality were so different, I blamed myself for not reaching my ideal type.

My utopia is to learn a musical instrument by myself with the absolute pitch I have, make a song with musical inspiration, and do YouTube. I like books, so I study a variety of knowledge, post book reviews and essays on my blog, study hard in foreign languages ​​such as English, and don't miss opportunities that come to me. Also, a person who earns a lot of money, can buy anything he wants, and gains trust as a loyal person wherever he goes. A person who is respected by everyone.

This is an ideal image of my imagination.

The reality, however, is that he is anxious because he has no money, drinks and plays impulsively, gets scolded at work, eats every day at home, and acts lazy while looking at his phone. And you start to lose the trust of those around you. I am just such a person now.

I think it's important to acknowledge yourself in any image and find a balance in the middle. I feel so helpless and depressed right now, but this feeling will pass.

Why am I different from others? It is difficult because there are so many thoughts and so many emotions. You are most at risk when you are depressed, because you never know how your impulsive appearance will suddenly appear. I still don't know myself well. You will gradually lose your confidence.

I don't know if I'll make an extreme choice in an extreme situation. It's not easy to get through every night.